what it was

dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.”

I still miss you but you’ve made it easier.

Weekends are the worst because we spend every sleeping and waking moment together till it’s time to say our goodbyes.

But now we’ve said our goodbyes for the last time.

The space between us is growing everyday

and soon we’ll be strangers again.

Thank you for everything.

For the memories.

I wish you all the best.

Am I really that difficult to be with?

I guess when you put your whole heart and soul into a relationship, you get completely attached to that person.

That’s when every action they do or words they say affects you.

Positive or negative, the feeling will be on an extreme level.

Don’t get me wrong.

I am really happy but with real happiness, there’s always the chance of facing real unhappiness.

Do I make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never felt so intensely for a person that when something goes wrong, I fall into these deep bouts of depression.

It’s bad.

Really bad.

‘Cause, I tend to lose myself.

Maybe I am losing myself.

I am losing it.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t control my feelings, I will lose him in the end.

This is not how love is supposed to be.

 

Things are right again.

No more internal conflicts.

For the first time this week, I’ve felt truly happy although, I have been outright selfish and cruel.

But I’ve made a final decision and I’m not looking back.

I understand but the detachment hurts.

I’m not sure about how I am suppose to feel.

Just don’t delete me from your life.

I guess it’s too late.

What will I do when my water runs out

and there’s no more left to dispose.

The third day.

It will get better I promise you.

She will get stronger

and eventually the urge will leave

and all that will be left is

Me.

From my past relationships, I’ve learnt a couple of things:

1. There’s no point making promises about the future when you’re not even sure if you can even keep them.

2. Don’t buy anything that would label you as a couple (e.g. rings, shirts, bracelets) until you’re engaged.

3.  No point making plans about the future or even thinking about it until you’re self-sufficient and 99% sure that the person is right for you.

4. Be ready to be hurt but don’t be sceptical about it.

5. Don’t try to change a person but that doesn’t mean you should accept EVERYTHING about him/her.

6. Don’t stay together with someone who has cheated on you. That is inexcusable. You deserve better than that.

7. Be together with someone who loves you more than you love him/her.

I don’t usually do this but somehow this year is an exception.

And for the first time in 6 years, I’ve decided to come up with four resolutions for 2011, which will be mentioned later.

I was never really a believer of resolutions but I realized we all need goals in our lives otherwise, we won’t really get anywhere. It’s true!

Anyway, this year was really a year of favour for me.

I’ve been blessed so much in so many ways.

1. I graduated. Finally.

2. I went to Sanggau for three months. I never knew I could get so attached to children.

3. I got into the Masters in Managerial Psychology program. Can’t wait to start! (Can’t believe I just said that but really, I am quite excited about doing my Masters. Challenges are healthy.)

4. I bought my first Raybans.

5. I bought a new car. A good one with low mileage. Definitely God’s blessing.

6. My parents lined up for me for nearly 11 hours so that I could get my Blackberry Torch when I was away in Indonesia. So undeserving of such love.

7. My birthday was awesome. I was prayed for by the children and everyone of them asked God to find me a husband so that I could get married quickly. Lol! Plus, I got mangoes on my birthday which I was craving for but decided not to buy.

8. I got a new bag, three pair of shoes/sandals, four and a half rings.

9. I found the button of my blazer on the car porch after losing it for more than 3 months. So random that it can only be God.

10. My relationship lasted 3 months with long distance. In my opinion, we did really well regarding that it was a pretty smooth sail for us. I actually thought we were going to have a difficult time so it was a really good surprise that it worked out really great!

There are many more things to be grateful for because God has blessed me so much this year. Even though, there were the obvious ups and downs but this year (particularly this year), the blessings have overflowed like madness and all I can think of is God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life.

I know God has many things in store for me  for 2011. I believe that God will provide me a good job with a good salary. All I need to do is be patient and be devoted to God.

I think I can do that.

Hehe…

So if you haven’t guessed yet? My 2011 resolutions are:

1. To get good recognition and reputation in my future job and company.

2. To do well consistently in my Masters program.

3. To work out, exercise more, and to have healthier eating habits so that I will continue to lose weight.

4. To be really really close to God and to be a better cell leader.

I am sure I will be able to conquer and meet all those goals as long I’m focused and my eyes are only looking at Jesus, books/notes, work and weight. =P

Anyway, I love all of you guys!

May you have a blessed 2011!

If 2010 was a sucky year for you, don’t fret because it’s a freaking new year!

Puff!

We’re all in this together and we’ll make it through!

Just don’t let go of my hand and I won’t let go of your’s! =)

I love you alllllllllllllllllll!!! I really really do!

Muax and Hugsssssssssssssss!!!

Love,

Ming

I don’t know why I’ve been acting bipolar lately.

I’m moody.

Quiet.

Angry with myself.

Hostile.

Wanting to be alone.

Wanting to be wanted.

Wanting to not be responsible.

I think I’m going crazy.

I honestly don’t know what’s happening to me

and I’m tearing up now for no apparent reason.

What is wrong with me.

I really hope I’m ok.

Things are slowly sorting out themselves.

It’s no longer about confusion and insecurity about the future.

It is probably about the clouds that my parents are placing above my relationship.

I can be happy.

I am grateful for so many things.

In fact, I wanted to write a list of things I’m grateful for this year 2010.

But now, I just want to hide in my room.

Watch The Lovely Bones again

and rock myself to sleep.

I really shouldn’t be like this.

I just don’t want any trouble when it comes to love.