I guess when you put your whole heart and soul into a relationship, you get completely attached to that person.

That’s when every action they do or words they say affects you.

Positive or negative, the feeling will be on an extreme level.

Don’t get me wrong.

I am really happy but with real happiness, there’s always the chance of facing real unhappiness.

Do I make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never felt so intensely for a person that when something goes wrong, I fall into these deep bouts of depression.

It’s bad.

Really bad.

‘Cause, I tend to lose myself.

Maybe I am losing myself.

I am losing it.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t control my feelings, I will lose him in the end.

This is not how love is supposed to be.

No more internal conflicts.

For the first time this week, I’ve felt truly happy although, I have been outright selfish and cruel.

But I’ve made a final decision and I’m not looking back.

I’m not sure about how I am suppose to feel.

Just don’t delete me from your life.

I guess it’s too late.

When you have to make a decision which you know you can’t handle the consequences whichever way it goes?

Today, I decided to let go of someone that meant a lot to me for 5 years.

Will I look back and regret?

It still hurts.

It’s not supposed to.

Well, as one highly respectable person mentioned, “You’ve got to burn one. You can’t have both. It makes sense that one person suffers for two people to be happy.”

My heart is being twisted into boundless knots as I type.

I’m glad my tears are not falling onto the keyboard

’cause that would really screw it up.

I need to know you’ll be ok.

I know you’ll rise above this.

You’re stronger than this.

Please forgive me.

I never meant to.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Did not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
I want to rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

and there’s no more left to dispose.

The third day.

It will get better I promise you.

She will get stronger

and eventually the urge will leave

and all that will be left is

Me.

1. There’s no point making promises about the future when you’re not even sure if you can even keep them.

2. Don’t buy anything that would label you as a couple (e.g. rings, shirts, bracelets) until you’re engaged.

3.  No point making plans about the future or even thinking about it until you’re self-sufficient and 99% sure that the person is right for you.

4. Be ready to be hurt but don’t be sceptical about it.

5. Don’t try to change a person but that doesn’t mean you should accept EVERYTHING about him/her.

6. Don’t stay together with someone who has cheated on you. That is inexcusable. You deserve better than that.

7. Be together with someone who loves you more than you love him/her.

And for the first time in 6 years, I’ve decided to come up with four resolutions for 2011, which will be mentioned later.

I was never really a believer of resolutions but I realized we all need goals in our lives otherwise, we won’t really get anywhere. It’s true!

Anyway, this year was really a year of favour for me.

I’ve been blessed so much in so many ways.

1. I graduated. Finally.

2. I went to Sanggau for three months. I never knew I could get so attached to children.

3. I got into the Masters in Managerial Psychology program. Can’t wait to start! (Can’t believe I just said that but really, I am quite excited about doing my Masters. Challenges are healthy.)

4. I bought my first Raybans.

5. I bought a new car. A good one with low mileage. Definitely God’s blessing.

6. My parents lined up for me for nearly 11 hours so that I could get my Blackberry Torch when I was away in Indonesia. So undeserving of such love.

7. My birthday was awesome. I was prayed for by the children and everyone of them asked God to find me a husband so that I could get married quickly. Lol! Plus, I got mangoes on my birthday which I was craving for but decided not to buy.

8. I got a new bag, three pair of shoes/sandals, four and a half rings.

9. I found the button of my blazer on the car porch after losing it for more than 3 months. So random that it can only be God.

10. My relationship lasted 3 months with long distance. In my opinion, we did really well regarding that it was a pretty smooth sail for us. I actually thought we were going to have a difficult time so it was a really good surprise that it worked out really great!

There are many more things to be grateful for because God has blessed me so much this year. Even though, there were the obvious ups and downs but this year (particularly this year), the blessings have overflowed like madness and all I can think of is God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life.

I know God has many things in store for me  for 2011. I believe that God will provide me a good job with a good salary. All I need to do is be patient and be devoted to God.

I think I can do that.

Hehe…

So if you haven’t guessed yet? My 2011 resolutions are:

1. To get good recognition and reputation in my future job and company.

2. To do well consistently in my Masters program.

3. To work out, exercise more, and to have healthier eating habits so that I will continue to lose weight.

4. To be really really close to God and to be a better cell leader.

I am sure I will be able to conquer and meet all those goals as long I’m focused and my eyes are only looking at Jesus, books/notes, work and weight. =P

Anyway, I love all of you guys!

May you have a blessed 2011!

If 2010 was a sucky year for you, don’t fret because it’s a freaking new year!

Puff!

We’re all in this together and we’ll make it through!

Just don’t let go of my hand and I won’t let go of your’s! =)

I love you alllllllllllllllllll!!! I really really do!

Muax and Hugsssssssssssssss!!!

Love,

Ming

I’m moody.

Quiet.

Angry with myself.

Hostile.

Wanting to be alone.

Wanting to be wanted.

Wanting to not be responsible.

I think I’m going crazy.

I honestly don’t know what’s happening to me

and I’m tearing up now for no apparent reason.

What is wrong with me.

I really hope I’m ok.

Things are slowly sorting out themselves.

It’s no longer about confusion and insecurity about the future.

It is probably about the clouds that my parents are placing above my relationship.

I can be happy.

I am grateful for so many things.

In fact, I wanted to write a list of things I’m grateful for this year 2010.

But now, I just want to hide in my room.

Watch The Lovely Bones again

and rock myself to sleep.

I really shouldn’t be like this.

I just don’t want any trouble when it comes to love.

It makes us impulsive.

It makes us irrational.

It makes us ecstatic.

It flutters.

It breaks.

It heals.

I’ve seen it a million of times before.

A friend of mine broke down and started crying in college because he was looking through a blog he and the ex created.

I still remember what he said when we tried to encourage him to eat.

“I can’t. It just taste like rubber bands.”

He impulsively booked a ticket to Melbourne/Tasmania to see her after his Work&Travel USA.

He asked our friend to help him apply for a tourist visa.

When he came back from USA in Sept, he had a change of heart.

His heart healed.

What happened to the plane ticket?

What happened to seeing his ex-lover?

And now, he’s posted up pictures of another girl.

My point is the first month is always the hardest.

It will get easier.

Sooner or later,

you will find someone else.

A replacement.

Better or not, that’s what you should be concerned about.

But when you do, examine your heart and analyse whether your ex-lover is still inside there

because there’s no point damaging another person’s present heart condition,

who’s ready to surgically open his/her’s and give what’s left of it to you.

You’ve been there.

We’ve been there.

It hurts even more when the heart is in two places.

It doesn’t work that way.

You’re not the one winning this time.