An Entomologist’s Last Love Letter

dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.”

Hands & Gloves

I’m in love again.

And this time, I’m in deep and I know it.

And I’m scared too because this relationship could either make it or break it.

It would ruin me to death if it didn’t work out because I care about him too much.

It’s funny how it’s so crippling yet so liberating to be together.

I just don’t want to let this go.

We’re going to work like hands & gloves like we have always done.

I love him.

A New Beginning

I still miss you but you’ve made it easier.

Weekends are the worst because we spend every sleeping and waking moment together till it’s time to say our goodbyes.

But now we’ve said our goodbyes for the last time.

The space between us is growing everyday

and soon we’ll be strangers again.

Thank you for everything.

For the memories.

I wish you all the best.

The Aftermath

After our one year anniversary, I found out something shocking.

Hurting.

Your deed was done out of a vengeful spirit.

The reason behind the pain was no longer about the act.

I was just truly disappointed and turned off by your character.

At that moment, I really wanted to close the chapter.

I was so confused because I wanted to walk away but my heart wanted to stay.

The last time I followed the speeches of my mind, my world fell apart.

Feeling not loved and cared for by the person you love most is the worst feeling in the world.

Thinking about it is making  me tear now.

My heart is still on defense mode.

I can’t look at you the same way.

I am trying.

Trying to love you the same.

Why did you take my love for granted?

We were doing so well since the beginning of this year.

True, we had our rough patch last year.

It wasn’t easy because of my indecision and callousness.

Because of your temper and mean words.

But we pulled through because we didn’t want to lose each other.

You tell me to think about the consequences of my actions.

What about your’s?

What you did wasn’t out of love.

How am I suppose to move on.

How do we go back to the start?

Addiction

Am I really that difficult to be with?

I guess when you put your whole heart and soul into a relationship, you get completely attached to that person.

That’s when every action they do or words they say affects you.

Positive or negative, the feeling will be on an extreme level.

Don’t get me wrong.

I am really happy but with real happiness, there’s always the chance of facing real unhappiness.

Do I make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never felt so intensely for a person that when something goes wrong, I fall into these deep bouts of depression.

It’s bad.

Really bad.

‘Cause, I tend to lose myself.

Maybe I am losing myself.

I am losing it.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t control my feelings, I will lose him in the end.

This is not how love is supposed to be.

 

Things are right again.

No more internal conflicts.

For the first time this week, I’ve felt truly happy although, I have been outright selfish and cruel.

But I’ve made a final decision and I’m not looking back.

I understand but the detachment hurts.

I’m not sure about how I am suppose to feel.

Just don’t delete me from your life.

I guess it’s too late.